Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
11/7/14
So You Wanna Tick Off A Confessional Lootran, Eh?
Top 10 ways to get under the skin of a Confessional Lutheran.
10. Tell them that oyster crackers and grape juice is communion.
Jesus used unleavened bread and wine, not oyster crackers and Welch's. We are foolish, foolish, foolish, to change the elements that Christ used. And by the way, we come to the altar to receive Christ, not sit in our pews and see if we're holy enough to actually partake.
9. Associate us with the ELCA.
The ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) is the largest church body in the United State that bears the name Lutheran. Problem is, they're not Lutheran, like at all. The ELCA is theologically liberal, and we cringe when they use the name Lutheran. They don't stand for anything that Lutherans have stood for throughout history.
8. Tell us that modern day Lutherans are really synergistic Philippists.
Ah, no. We already had this controversy back in the day between the Gnesio Lutherans and the Philippists (named for Philip Melanchthon, who sadly compromised a lot in his later years). The Formula of Concord solves all of this. We're monergists in the purest sense of the term.
7. Tell us that Baptism is just a work of obedience.
Go ahead, try telling us that. You'll probably end up getting about 20 Scriptures in response.
6. Tell us that Martin Luther wouldn't be a Lutheran if he were alive today.
Do you even Small Catechism, yo?
5. Tell us that we're really no different than Roman Catholics.
Well, we are. That's kinda why Luther got excommunicated by Rome. We have much in common with them, that is true. But we differ on some very big issues. Like the Gospel.
4. Tell us that Luther was really a Calvinist.
This one is common. The Reformed want to claim Luther. Too bad he flatly rejected much of Reformed doctrine, such as limited atonement, "spiritual" presence only in the Eucharist, and the denial of baptismal regeneration. He also later in life rejected double predestination. Luther was definitely not a Calvinist. Monergist does not equal Calvinist. Sorry, but Luther thinks you're heretics.
3. Deny the Real Bodily Presence.
Oh boy. You don't even wanna go there. This (the bread) IS (is, is, IS) MY (Christ's) Body. Jesus hath spoken. Nuff said.
2. Tell us that we deny sola gratia (grace alone) and sola fide (faith alone) because of our sacramentalism.
Wait a second. We LIKE those terms. Of course, when one sees baptism and communion as works of obedience, then they get the means of grace wrong. Are they even listening? WE LIKE THOSE THINGS! WE BELIEVE THEM! Baptism and the Eucharist are gracious, not works.
And the number 1 way to tick off a Confessional Lutheran...
1. Call me a Pietist.
Do it. I'll sin in response.
10. Tell them that oyster crackers and grape juice is communion.
Jesus used unleavened bread and wine, not oyster crackers and Welch's. We are foolish, foolish, foolish, to change the elements that Christ used. And by the way, we come to the altar to receive Christ, not sit in our pews and see if we're holy enough to actually partake.
9. Associate us with the ELCA.
The ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) is the largest church body in the United State that bears the name Lutheran. Problem is, they're not Lutheran, like at all. The ELCA is theologically liberal, and we cringe when they use the name Lutheran. They don't stand for anything that Lutherans have stood for throughout history.
8. Tell us that modern day Lutherans are really synergistic Philippists.
Ah, no. We already had this controversy back in the day between the Gnesio Lutherans and the Philippists (named for Philip Melanchthon, who sadly compromised a lot in his later years). The Formula of Concord solves all of this. We're monergists in the purest sense of the term.
7. Tell us that Baptism is just a work of obedience.
Go ahead, try telling us that. You'll probably end up getting about 20 Scriptures in response.
6. Tell us that Martin Luther wouldn't be a Lutheran if he were alive today.
Do you even Small Catechism, yo?
5. Tell us that we're really no different than Roman Catholics.
Well, we are. That's kinda why Luther got excommunicated by Rome. We have much in common with them, that is true. But we differ on some very big issues. Like the Gospel.
4. Tell us that Luther was really a Calvinist.
This one is common. The Reformed want to claim Luther. Too bad he flatly rejected much of Reformed doctrine, such as limited atonement, "spiritual" presence only in the Eucharist, and the denial of baptismal regeneration. He also later in life rejected double predestination. Luther was definitely not a Calvinist. Monergist does not equal Calvinist. Sorry, but Luther thinks you're heretics.
3. Deny the Real Bodily Presence.
Oh boy. You don't even wanna go there. This (the bread) IS (is, is, IS) MY (Christ's) Body. Jesus hath spoken. Nuff said.
2. Tell us that we deny sola gratia (grace alone) and sola fide (faith alone) because of our sacramentalism.
Wait a second. We LIKE those terms. Of course, when one sees baptism and communion as works of obedience, then they get the means of grace wrong. Are they even listening? WE LIKE THOSE THINGS! WE BELIEVE THEM! Baptism and the Eucharist are gracious, not works.
And the number 1 way to tick off a Confessional Lutheran...
1. Call me a Pietist.
Do it. I'll sin in response.
1/6/14
Lame Baptismal Humor. No Really, This is Lame
Welcome to the Eighth Council of Geneva. Many elders, bishops, priests, and pastors are present.
John Calvin: Welcome everybody. You're all on my turf now for this much needed discussion on baptism.
John Wesley: Servetus!
John Calvin: What?
John Wesley: Sorry, that just slipped out. My bad. Carry on John. By the way, I'm so happy your parents used their libertarian freewill and gave you such a wonderful name!
John Calvin: OK, OK. Let's get started before I roast Wesley.
JESUS: "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 19:14)
Peter Ruckman: That's not in MY bible Jesus.
St. Paul: Did you just rebuke Jesus, Ruckman?
Jack Schaap: NO! No little children to come to Jesus! I get them all!
James White: Didn't that get you in trouble Schaap?
Peter Ruckman: JAMES WHITE!!!! Heretic!
Brian McLaren: Let's all just love each other and get along. For the sake of unity!
Buddha: Yes. Brian and I have unity and peace with nature.
John Calvin: Bye Brian. Bye Buddha.
Martin Luther: I bring little children to Jesus all the time in Holy Baptism.
John Calvin: Me too Marty.
Benny Hinn: You don't bring children to Christ in Holy Baptism. You bring them...HADOUKEN!
Mark Driscoll: Whoa. Dude. Benny. I almost fell down. Almost. By the way, did you see my awesome Twitter quote? It said: "I have a dream...that all men are created equal."
Todd Bentley: I just kick people in the groin Benny. Works much better.
Martin Luther: What is this? The heretic convention?
John MacArthur: Bet you do have dreams Mark.
St. Thomas: Why are you writing in green, Jesus?
St.Paul: I see you have a thorn in the flesh too, eh Aquinas?
John Calvin: Baptism is a sign and seal of the Covenant of Grace!
Martin Luther: Is not, Johnny.
John Calvin: Is TOO Marty!
Martin Luther: I am tired of the pestilent voice of your sirens, Calvin.
John Wesley: Servetus!
St. Peter: OK Wesley, you can leave now.
St. Paul: So...let's get back to baptism. I once wrote: "Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." (Romans 6:3-4)
Peter Ruckman: You did not, Paul. What it really says, in the inspired text is: Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. (Romans 6:3-4: KJV!!!)
St. Paul: Oh yeah, I did write all those books in Elizabethan English. Thanks for reminding me Peter. So, do you agree with it? I mean, I said that we are buried with Christ by baptism. Do you believe that?
Peter Ruckman: Heretic! Baptism is my own pledge of obedience to God! It does nothing! You're unsavedand need to repent, Paul!
John Calvin: Did you just rebuke St. Paul, Ruckman?
Martin Luther: You are an abominable arch-heretic, Ruckman.
John Calvin: You can leave now Ruckmeister.
Peter Ruckman: You're all going to burn! If the KJV was good enough for Moses, it's good enough for me!
John Calvin: I'll decide who burns, thank you very much.
JESUS: No you won't John.
John Calvin: Sorry Jesus. You're right. I only decide which HERETICS will burn.
JESUS: OK. You can stop now John.
Martin Luther: Yeah, Calvin. You don't believe Romans 6 either.
John Calvin: Servetus said he did too.
Martin Luther: It is presumptuous for people who are as ignorant as you are not to take up the work of a herdsman, Calvin.
St. Paul: Come on guys, I wrote more on this. I said once: "In him also you were circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, by putting off the body of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead." (Colossians 2:11-12)
Joel Osteen: This is mah bah-bull...
Pope Francis: Atheists are more Christian than you Osteen.
Martin Luther: You boast of possessing the Spirit, more than the apostles, and yet for years now have secretly prowled about and flung around your dung. Were you a true spirit you would at once have come forward and given proof of you call by sings and words. But you are a treacherous, secret devil who sneaks around in corners until you have done your damage and spread your poison, Osteen.
Charles Spurgeon: Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Osteen.
St. Paul: Bye Joel, you weren't invited.
Joel Osteen: This is mah bah-bull!!!
St. Peter: And you don't believe any of it, Chump. You should read the second chapter of my second epistle, Joel. I had you in mind.
John Calvin: Someone get the fire going, please.
JESUS: Calvin! I already told you...
John Calvin: Oh yeah, sorry again Jesus. I repent.
Rob Bell: It doesn't matter what you believe, we all end up in heaven anyways.
RJ Rushdoony: Except you Rob. Christianity is going to take over the world, except for you Robbie.
James White: Postmillennialists...*smh
Martin Luther: Baptists...*smh
James White: But Marty, I play "A Mighty Fortress" on the Dividing Line.
Martin Luther: You are a little pious prancer, James. What light can there be in heads that hold such tangible darkness?
Scott Hahn: Is this the conference on birth control?
Pope Francis: No Scott, but thanks for coming. Have you met my new brother in Christ, Richard Dawkins?
Pope Benedict XVI: Why did I quit again?
St. Paul: Sooooo...I did say that we are raised in faith in baptism. (Colossians 2:12)
Jack Schaap: I only baptise 14-18 year old girls who have made a personal decision to follow me.
Martin Luther: Still got that fire, John?
JESUS: Marty, Marty...
Martin Luther: Yes. St. Paul tells us that baptism raises us in faith.
St. Peter: Hey, I said that baptism brings the forgiveness of sins at Pentecost and gives us the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38)
JESUS: I told Nicodemus that too. (John 3:5)
St. Paul: I tried to make it pretty obvious in my letter to Titus too. (Titus 3:5)
Charles Spurgeon: I contemplated over a cigar one day that all of you chaps are wrong about that.
Martin Luther: Did you just rebuke Jesus, St. Paul,and St. Peter, Spurgeon? You should not write a book before you have heard an old sow fart; and then you should open your jaws with awe, saying, "Thank you, lovely nightingale, that is just the text for me!"
St. Thomas: When is Jesus going to use green font again?
St. Paul: Green. Hehe.
JESUS: Never, Thomas.
St. Thomas: Why did you say never, Jesus? You just used it.
Joel Osteen: This is mah bah-bull!
John Calvin: Osteen!!! We booted you awhile back! How did you get back in? Hey Spurge, can I borrow that stogie for a minute?
JESUS: One more time and I'm booting you out of Geneva, John.
St. Thomas: Nice red font, Jesus.
Martin Chemnitz: Is Aquinas using the scholastic method again?
Martin Luther: He's color-blind, Marty. And by the way, thanks for finishing up the Book of Concord.
Joel Osteen: I am what it says I am...I can do what it says I can do. I boldly confess...
Martin Luther: That you're a wretched sinner, Osteen!
John Calvin: Hey Spurgeon...
Charles Spurgeon: I just finished John, sorry old chap.
St. Peter: OK guys, I said that baptism now saves you once. That's in 1 Peter 3:21.
Martin Luther: Amen!!!
RC Sproul: Does not. Sign and seal. That's it.
St. Peter: But RC, I said...
RC Sproul: You're wrong, St. Peter.
JESUS: No he isn't RC.
RC Sproul: Ummm.
Dr. Mike Murdock: Sow a seed, just $273!!!
Kenneth Copeland: I only charge $158 and guarantee 100-fold profit!!!
Martin Luther: Which one of you is the left cheek and which one is the right cheek?
John Calvin: Dr? How the heck did you get a doctorate Murdock?
St. Paul: There are special places for people like you Murdock. You too Dopeland.
Martin Luther: Hey Calvin!
John Calvin: What? Sorry, I fell asleep while pondering the thought of being predestined to hell.
Martin Luther: Your boy Mike Murdock is here!
John Calvin: Oh. Well, you know what I think, but I can't say it or Jesus will boot me from Geneva.
JESUS: I know your thoughts Calvin. Bye.
Origen: I brought a machete if anyone wants the half-off special!
Martin Luther: How did that work out for you Origen? By the way, baptism now saves you. St. Peter said so. Not castration. Can I keep one and ditch the other Origen?
St. Peter: I did say that, didn't I Marty?
JESUS: Indeed.
John Calvin: Welcome everybody. You're all on my turf now for this much needed discussion on baptism.
John Wesley: Servetus!
John Calvin: What?
John Wesley: Sorry, that just slipped out. My bad. Carry on John. By the way, I'm so happy your parents used their libertarian freewill and gave you such a wonderful name!
John Calvin: OK, OK. Let's get started before I roast Wesley.
JESUS: "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 19:14)
Peter Ruckman: That's not in MY bible Jesus.
St. Paul: Did you just rebuke Jesus, Ruckman?
Jack Schaap: NO! No little children to come to Jesus! I get them all!
James White: Didn't that get you in trouble Schaap?
Peter Ruckman: JAMES WHITE!!!! Heretic!
Brian McLaren: Let's all just love each other and get along. For the sake of unity!
Buddha: Yes. Brian and I have unity and peace with nature.
John Calvin: Bye Brian. Bye Buddha.
Martin Luther: I bring little children to Jesus all the time in Holy Baptism.
John Calvin: Me too Marty.
Benny Hinn: You don't bring children to Christ in Holy Baptism. You bring them...HADOUKEN!
Mark Driscoll: Whoa. Dude. Benny. I almost fell down. Almost. By the way, did you see my awesome Twitter quote? It said: "I have a dream...that all men are created equal."
Todd Bentley: I just kick people in the groin Benny. Works much better.
Martin Luther: What is this? The heretic convention?
John MacArthur: Bet you do have dreams Mark.
St. Thomas: Why are you writing in green, Jesus?
St.Paul: I see you have a thorn in the flesh too, eh Aquinas?
John Calvin: Baptism is a sign and seal of the Covenant of Grace!
Martin Luther: Is not, Johnny.
John Calvin: Is TOO Marty!
Martin Luther: I am tired of the pestilent voice of your sirens, Calvin.
John Wesley: Servetus!
St. Peter: OK Wesley, you can leave now.
St. Paul: So...let's get back to baptism. I once wrote: "Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." (Romans 6:3-4)
Peter Ruckman: You did not, Paul. What it really says, in the inspired text is: Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. (Romans 6:3-4: KJV!!!)
St. Paul: Oh yeah, I did write all those books in Elizabethan English. Thanks for reminding me Peter. So, do you agree with it? I mean, I said that we are buried with Christ by baptism. Do you believe that?
Peter Ruckman: Heretic! Baptism is my own pledge of obedience to God! It does nothing! You're unsavedand need to repent, Paul!
John Calvin: Did you just rebuke St. Paul, Ruckman?
Martin Luther: You are an abominable arch-heretic, Ruckman.
John Calvin: You can leave now Ruckmeister.
Peter Ruckman: You're all going to burn! If the KJV was good enough for Moses, it's good enough for me!
John Calvin: I'll decide who burns, thank you very much.
JESUS: No you won't John.
John Calvin: Sorry Jesus. You're right. I only decide which HERETICS will burn.
JESUS: OK. You can stop now John.
Martin Luther: Yeah, Calvin. You don't believe Romans 6 either.
John Calvin: Servetus said he did too.
Martin Luther: It is presumptuous for people who are as ignorant as you are not to take up the work of a herdsman, Calvin.
St. Paul: Come on guys, I wrote more on this. I said once: "In him also you were circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, by putting off the body of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead." (Colossians 2:11-12)
Joel Osteen: This is mah bah-bull...
Pope Francis: Atheists are more Christian than you Osteen.
Martin Luther: You boast of possessing the Spirit, more than the apostles, and yet for years now have secretly prowled about and flung around your dung. Were you a true spirit you would at once have come forward and given proof of you call by sings and words. But you are a treacherous, secret devil who sneaks around in corners until you have done your damage and spread your poison, Osteen.
Charles Spurgeon: Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Osteen.
St. Paul: Bye Joel, you weren't invited.
Joel Osteen: This is mah bah-bull!!!
St. Peter: And you don't believe any of it, Chump. You should read the second chapter of my second epistle, Joel. I had you in mind.
John Calvin: Someone get the fire going, please.
JESUS: Calvin! I already told you...
John Calvin: Oh yeah, sorry again Jesus. I repent.
Rob Bell: It doesn't matter what you believe, we all end up in heaven anyways.
RJ Rushdoony: Except you Rob. Christianity is going to take over the world, except for you Robbie.
James White: Postmillennialists...*smh
Martin Luther: Baptists...*smh
James White: But Marty, I play "A Mighty Fortress" on the Dividing Line.
Martin Luther: You are a little pious prancer, James. What light can there be in heads that hold such tangible darkness?
Scott Hahn: Is this the conference on birth control?
Pope Francis: No Scott, but thanks for coming. Have you met my new brother in Christ, Richard Dawkins?
Pope Benedict XVI: Why did I quit again?
St. Paul: Sooooo...I did say that we are raised in faith in baptism. (Colossians 2:12)
Jack Schaap: I only baptise 14-18 year old girls who have made a personal decision to follow me.
Martin Luther: Still got that fire, John?
JESUS: Marty, Marty...
Martin Luther: Yes. St. Paul tells us that baptism raises us in faith.
St. Peter: Hey, I said that baptism brings the forgiveness of sins at Pentecost and gives us the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38)
JESUS: I told Nicodemus that too. (John 3:5)
St. Paul: I tried to make it pretty obvious in my letter to Titus too. (Titus 3:5)
Charles Spurgeon: I contemplated over a cigar one day that all of you chaps are wrong about that.
Martin Luther: Did you just rebuke Jesus, St. Paul,and St. Peter, Spurgeon? You should not write a book before you have heard an old sow fart; and then you should open your jaws with awe, saying, "Thank you, lovely nightingale, that is just the text for me!"
St. Thomas: When is Jesus going to use green font again?
St. Paul: Green. Hehe.
JESUS: Never, Thomas.
St. Thomas: Why did you say never, Jesus? You just used it.
Joel Osteen: This is mah bah-bull!
John Calvin: Osteen!!! We booted you awhile back! How did you get back in? Hey Spurge, can I borrow that stogie for a minute?
JESUS: One more time and I'm booting you out of Geneva, John.
St. Thomas: Nice red font, Jesus.
Martin Chemnitz: Is Aquinas using the scholastic method again?
Martin Luther: He's color-blind, Marty. And by the way, thanks for finishing up the Book of Concord.
Joel Osteen: I am what it says I am...I can do what it says I can do. I boldly confess...
Martin Luther: That you're a wretched sinner, Osteen!
John Calvin: Hey Spurgeon...
Charles Spurgeon: I just finished John, sorry old chap.
St. Peter: OK guys, I said that baptism now saves you once. That's in 1 Peter 3:21.
Martin Luther: Amen!!!
RC Sproul: Does not. Sign and seal. That's it.
St. Peter: But RC, I said...
RC Sproul: You're wrong, St. Peter.
JESUS: No he isn't RC.
RC Sproul: Ummm.
Dr. Mike Murdock: Sow a seed, just $273!!!
Kenneth Copeland: I only charge $158 and guarantee 100-fold profit!!!
Martin Luther: Which one of you is the left cheek and which one is the right cheek?
John Calvin: Dr? How the heck did you get a doctorate Murdock?
St. Paul: There are special places for people like you Murdock. You too Dopeland.
Martin Luther: Hey Calvin!
John Calvin: What? Sorry, I fell asleep while pondering the thought of being predestined to hell.
Martin Luther: Your boy Mike Murdock is here!
John Calvin: Oh. Well, you know what I think, but I can't say it or Jesus will boot me from Geneva.
JESUS: I know your thoughts Calvin. Bye.
Origen: I brought a machete if anyone wants the half-off special!
Martin Luther: How did that work out for you Origen? By the way, baptism now saves you. St. Peter said so. Not castration. Can I keep one and ditch the other Origen?
St. Peter: I did say that, didn't I Marty?
JESUS: Indeed.
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